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I didn't write a word yesterday. There was nothing to say anyway. I spent my day at the library to work on an exam that I probably failed. End of the story.

I really didn't think I would write something today, til I realised I was crying while listening goodbye my lover. And I am now listening to still loving you. OK I am acting like a fool, like a child. I thought I would study today but instead I watched the last chapters of HIMYM, I suck. I can't get motivated. Yes I think of him, yes it's literally killing me. I feel I am leaving, I know that. It as if my heart, my life, all what I am was a big fire, and joris, without even knowing it, was throwing big buckets, full of water, on it. Gosh this is killing me! I know I have to do something. But do I really want to? Do I have the strength to do anything? It is as if the countdown of my life had started. In November I will take this exam, the Capes (to become a teacher). I really have to pass it, I need to work, I need to earn money. I can't longer rely on my mother, I’m gonna be 24. I need to grow up. But it 's gonna change so many things. It's gonna be the end of so many things. Doing whatever you want, whenever you want, visiting your friends every time you feel like seeing them, organising big aperos, even if it's only Tuesday, being so fucking drunk you don't remember your name but you don”t care because you're having fun and you don't have to get up the next day. Seeing your family every week ends, because you love them and you need them. I don't want to grow up. Being an adult sucks. It's not funny at all. Life sucks. Fucking circle of life!!! you have to see the people you love leaving because it's how life works.

So I really have to move...I feel like a robot, like a zombie. I get up on morning because I have to, I go to uni, I listen to what the professors say because I have to, but I don't speak to anyone, because I don't want to. The only thing which really cheers me up is when I go to bed, because each time I hope I will wake up in a better world, or I will realize the last months were only a nightmare and that the dream can go on. Or maybe because I hope I will dream of him...Of course the awakening is always very painful and I always have to fight with myself to leave the bed. This bed is more or less an island where I feel safe. Actually my whole flat is my island, is my bubble, where I feel like nothing could ever hurt me again. Some people create protective shells, I did build walls and dig moats. I will let nothing hurt me again. I opened my heart once, and it has been broken. There is no way I’m gonna live this again. I'd prefer to live with this pain rather to live the pain of a break up.

The only person I feel like talking to is one of my friend. He lives on the other side of the planet. Well I’ve always been lucky.

Even if what I write sounds desperate or full of despair, I am not frustrated or depressive. I'm just a girl, who loved a boy, so much that she could have died for him. And this boy, mean, has killed her by breaking her heart. This is painful, more than most of the people, I mean people who never had to go through this pain, can think. These people always say 'don't worry time heals everything, you will find someone else'. But deeply inside you know they are wrong. Maybe you'll find someone else, but you'll never live what you lived wt Him.

Let me tell you my story, and how I got to this point of bitterness, and you'll realise it is not bitterness, it is just despair, because when you're left with so much love inside your soul and your heart, you really wonder what you are going to do with it, and you really feel desperate.

Three years ago we meet at some friends'. Again. We were in the same college and I knew his sister. She's the same age than me. He is younger, just from one year. We did not know each other. But they were lots of rumours about him: that he was a bad guy, who slept witl lot of girls, who cheated on them, who was often completely wasted and who loved weed. Not a pretty picture, isn't it? But I am the kind of people who doesn't believe rumours. And if by any chance rumours are true, I al the kind of person who thinks that there is always something good in every person and that everybody deserve another chance. Well I used to be that person, I am not anymore. There s nothing I hate more than human nature. Man is bad, it is his nature. Anyway...So we met at the place of one my childhood friend, Sandy. Her parents were away and she had the house free for five days. Indeed it was what we call a bridge in France, there was a bank holiday on the Thursday so Friday became a bank holiday too. On Thursday we organised a barbecue. One of my friend, Romain, who was invited, called me because he was in front of the house? I was so happy to see hi! It had been ages since I saw him! I opened the door, he gave me a hug and then my eyes met joris'. I fell in love, immediately. We talked a bit this evening and I found him so interesting. We had the same projects, we wanted the same things, both of us wanted to travel around the world. I was going in England three months after to be a French assistant in a college and he was leaving for Germany to be an Erasmus student. I invited him at my place the following week because I organised a big party too. He came, I was so excited to see him again. My cousin, gaetan was here, and what I didn't know was that his girlfriend, Sarah, had cheated on him with joris. Gosh...but nothing happened. Thanks god...we had a good time, there were so many people, everywhere, it was awesome. I remember I was drunk and I told him: 'come on guy, you're handsome, so am I, let's have a baby he will be gorgeous.' OK I was really drunk because I never usually say this kind of things. Next morning was awful: no coffee. Well in this time I really needed a coffee every morning to feel good. If I haven't got any coffee, t was a nightmare for all the persons surrounding me. There was no coffee. Well we had coffee but the coffee machine was broken. Guess what? Joris managed to make some, with a kettle and two plastic glasses. I fell in love, again. Then, he gave me his number and he left. For a whole month we did text each other, but it was really hard. Because it was like flirting for the first time and I always needed help from my friends to help me answering. I felt like a 15 years old girl who had never had any boyfriend. Each time I saw him I had butterflies in my stomach, my hands were wet, I was shaking. And it was the same thing for him.